Tantra & Growth
Coach
LOVING AUTHORITY
What comes to mind when you read these words?
I first heard them in the movie “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women”. The exact phrase was “A person is most happy when they are submissive to a loving authority”.
Parents should be the first, most obvious example of loving authority. They should maintain a certain level of strictness in order to raise children to grow into strong and independent adults.
If the authority is not loving, however, people will feel repressed and merely comply, which can make them grow resentful of the authoritative force. Unfortunately, not all parents are capable of showing love the right way while in control.
​
I am a Loving Authority; everything I do in my coaching I do because I care and want to help you to a better place;
What is in this for me? You might think. I thrive on your growth. It gives me energy to grow along with you and makes me happy to see people take the path that makes them flourish.
HOW I DO IT
With your permission, I get into your head and figure out what you need. By asking questions I map you in my own mind in order to understand how you work. It requires a good deal of trust to open yourself up to someone. I am worth your trust and I will prove that to you every time. You can expect total openness and honesty from me, always.
​
I don't beat around the bush. If you come to me it is because you want to change something in your life. You want me to help you and that is what I will do. Sometimes this means digging into things that you've carefully swept under the carpet in order not to deal with them. I will get them out from under there and together we will find a way to deal with them so that they will no longer hold you back from living fully.
If I tell you to do something it’s because I know what’s good for you better than you can judge this for yourself at that moment. I know what you need because we will have spoken about your current state, dreams, problems, background, goals, insecurities, needs, wishes, and the things that make you happy.
​
I will be brutally honest with you and I expect the same from you. If you want change, you will have to work for it and put all your cards on the table with me.
I will be right there to create a safe space and to support you.
During the process, I will be mindful of your progress and development and will move at a pace that is right for you, constantly checking with you if we are on the right track and adjusting to your improvement and needs.
EXAMPLES OF HOW I WORK
Everything I do with and for you is pre-negotiated according to your needs and state of wellbeing. Here are some examples of things I do for/with my coachees:
- If certain responsibilities are too big for you at the moment, I will temporarily take them and turn them into manageable tasks.
- If you lack oversight and get paralyzed by choice overload, I can take some control away from you and give you fewer options to choose from, creating a sense of calm and overview for you to get in motion to achieve your goals.
- If you tend to self-sabotage I will make sure you stick to the path we have set for you. I will guide, help, redirect or stop you from falling into old patterns if needed. All of the rules we set are pre-determined in extensive negotiations and can be adjusted to your level of development and health.
The goal is to eventually give back all control to you when you are ready to handle it and are fit to implement what we've changed to live more fully.
​
IN SHORT:
I am an ethical non-monogamous pansexual cis-female D-leaning switch with an undeniable urge to help people grow and thrive :).
If you have no idea what this all means, read the longer version.
THE LONGER VERSION:
I will get into your head, but before I do, I will allow you into mine so you can get to know me:
​
THE CHAOS OF ADOLESCENCE
​
I was a happy, helpful and creative child. When I was thirteen I already knew I also liked girls. Throughout my life I have felt that there was something in me that was drawn to sexuality and I was very curious to explore.
I grew into a difficult teenager for my family, too troublesome for the luxury I grew up in. I had two loving parents who are still together to this day, a happy and carefree childhood and people around me who cared about me. I was never abused or otherwise traumatized and yet I was somehow always rebelling. I had quite a few boyfriends, some more serious than others, but none of these relationships worked out well.
In almost all of my connections I was sabotaging myself and the relationship. It was almost like I didn’t want myself to be happy. When things went too well I would cause a fight or break up. I had a lot of pent-up anger and I had no idea where it came from or what to do with it other than taking it out on my partner.
When I wasn’t in a relationship, which wasn't very often, I was very autonomous and independent. But in relationships I became clingy and jealous.
When I was thirty, I met and married my Turkish husband and things became better. He is a psychologist with a lot of patience and that (and becoming older) calmed me down, but I still had trouble feeling complete.
INTRODUCTION TO BDSM
​
Ever since I was young I was triggered by certain movie scenes, lyrics, specific behavior in people, use of words, intonation, and looks that conveyed dominance. Subconsciously I have looked for this in partners without even knowing what BDSM stood for. Somehow I always ended up with people who didn’t know how to control me and that resulted in fights.
I wanted to respect the other person, look up to them, do things for them, make them happy but my wayward personality and my own dominant behavior made the opposite happen. My relationships became toxic, I was jealous, and didn’t know how to express what I wanted, mainly because I didn’t understand what I needed. I always found men that were too sweet and who didn’t set clear boundaries.
Like many people, my idea of BDSM (then only known to me as S&M) conjured up the image of people in latex, wearing rubber masks and hitting women with whips. Not something I could relate to. A good couple of years later, the movie '50 Shades of Grey' didn’t really help to improve on that image.
And then I watched ‘Secretary.’
What a revelation! BDSM as a cathartic experience, a way to heal, to deal with anxiety, trauma and depression. Wow! That really spoke to me. ‘Ohhhhh! I’m a submissive!’ Is what I thought, it all totally made sense to me. It was like all the pieces fell into place.
PUTTING IT TOGETHER FOR MYSELF
I started to read and eventually write about BDSM. This taught me to communicate my desires, wants and needs much more clearly. My husband didn’t share my interest to the same extent, so for lack of a better option I started to use my own Dominant side to control my submissive side. A self-created internal Dominant to help me push myself to do things that were hard, daunting or difficult to finish. I used it to force myself to set goals, finish things, do things outside my comfort zone and improve parts of my life that up to then I’d paid no mind.
Meanwhile, writing about BDSM made me realize that my internal Dominant had become such a prominent part of me that I could no longer call myself 100% submissive and started to feel the need to do what I had done for myself for others like me who were in need of a stricter approach. I became a Dom.
MAKING THE SWITCH
In the past 2.5 years I have been applying all my knowledge about BDSM (and specifically D/s) to help other women. Using deep, non-judgemental interrogation, extensive clear communication, setting consensual, pre-agreed rules and using my knowledge of the submissive mind to gently manipulate a willing subject into doing what is good for her, I make her grow and I grow along with her in the process. To me it’s the most amazing thing ever!
When I decided to become who I really am, accepted myself and shaped myself to become more whole, I became more me. This process has taken me a good 2.5 years and is still and always a work in progress.
Hesitation or shame about who I am, what I stand for, where I come from and what I want, fell away when I totally accepted myself. Setting boundaries became easier because I stopped apologizing for being me and stood up for my own values.
Communication with my surroundings became so much more honest and deep and where in the past I might have expected people to judge me, they actually started understanding me and respecting me more for who I really am.
DOMMING AS A PRO
I have helped (mainly) women with various obstacles in their lives: Issues ranging from depression to eating disorders and from anxiety and panic attacks to making choices to improve their overall happiness. I helped them create order out of chaos and made them speak up about their wants and needs.
I’ve always known that helping people is the one thing that makes me the happiest. Over the course of my life, this has been confirmed in so many ways but I never took the right action to turn what I love most in life into the thing I do most in life. I always let it run subsidiary next to my ‘normal job’.
Now pushing 40, I am not wasting any more time doing things that are a reasonably good alternative. I’ve chosen to do what I am best at and like most in life: Helping you become the best you can possibly be!
DEVELOPING SPIRITUALLY​
​
After a couple of mindblowing and unexplainable experiences, I have started to follow a Path for myself to even greater FreeDom. For the biggest part of my life, I have called myself an atheist. However after an amazing shared consciousness experience 10 years ago, then another one a couple of years later, and then another one, and another one, and many many more, I can now officially say that I am Spiritual. Not the soft-speaking, wooly, very-much-up-there type of spiritual but the 'Hey, there is definitely something more than what we've learned'-type of spiritual.
Choosing to be completely free also means completely embodying your true self and your power. Working on yourself and the things that hold you back from living your true potential is called 'Shadow work' and when we do this work, we set ourselves free from limiting beliefs, shame, pain, and other low-vibrational frequencies that cause suffering in our everyday lives.
Also I have worked (and still am) with my Shadow sides and part of letting go of keeping myself small is fully stepping into what I am able to do. Today I speak up about what I can do and help you with on your Path of personal growth and Freedom. I will explain more about what I can help you with spiritually.
​
​